Auf wiedersehen

I'm sure in some sphere of the universe it's REALLY bad manners to leave one's blog in as much neglect as I have. Grins. Doesn't mean I haven't been feeling a tweak of guilt 'cos, you know, closure and things. And also, perfectionist. Because I believe in doing things, only, perfectly. And that closing means nice wrapping, a red and green ribbon and pretty sprigs. Forgive me, I started Xmas shopping early!

I think this post was meant to start with.....this blog has seen me through ups and downs, pulled me through thins and thicks, and I want to appreciate everyone who shared this journey with me.....and etc. Ha! I'm actually surprised that there are people who came to visit any more considering how sporadic I am. Also because i.am.
not.very.good.at.commenting.on.yours.blogs. Heaven knows I tried. I mean, yes, there are those blogs I visit say, once a month. Like my precious hubzy's :). It's just that in between work (corner office, check!), churning out columns regularly (well, once a week) for a national newspaper, school (oh, school never ends), my new found love for 'projects'(i kid you not, I have a sewing machine in my house) making time for the man OF my life, and you know, generally LIFE happening, there's hardly time to sneak in much else.

So I guess I am bowing out gracefully. Smiles. I have so much to thank blogland for; it's within these 4 'walls' that I met the most amazing man in the whole wide world, who later became my husband. I have made some pretty amazing friends, and met some pretty interesting people. I have REALLY grown, I have made changes in my life and formed meaningful relationships, but I don't think the blog has grown with me; it doesn't really reflect who or what I am :)

A friend turned mentor (do we go the Tyra way and say frientor? lol) mentioned that it's time I re-analysed all aspects of my public image. I had deluded myself all it was going to take was me taking off my nose ring (sucked)....but apparently to be at the place I am professionally a couple years early asks a lot more of me. OK. Bring it on!

It's been pretty fab. For some reason, it never really caught 100% cos er...I just can never seem to write, blatantly, to put my ish out there as openly as I thought I would when I started off. So, adios (no really, maybe for the 1.5 people who might pass by cos hehe...sporadic breeds sporadic!)

PEACE!

....NINE MONTHS LATER!

*Giggles*

I know. Because who, normal person comes back after 9 months with nary a knock? Or. Or an apology? Wait. You were hoping for an apology? (I is normal? Tihiii)

*More giggles*

A lot can happen in 9 months. Even if remembering said password to log into my blog is not among the top 2 :) Children can be concieved and born. He he. 9 months is a long time. Urgh, no, I didn't go and start 'world domination' and keep it a secret from y'all. No, really. I wouldn't do that. (Right!) No new babies. Yet. New house though. New abso-effing-lutely amazing new house.

Well, I did go and let myself free-fall. In love. With the yummiest, kindest, awesome-est human being on the world wide world. It's ok...I'll wait while you go throw up..hehe. Done? And said human did ask me to, uh, make him pancakes for breakfast for the rest of his life. Come on, I did say 9 months was a long time. I said. Yes. Conditionally. On never asking why I need yet another pair of shoes. Or why every other conversation about 'our' credit card will start with 'Awww....but they were the most AMAZING pair'. And so it was done, hehe. What? Details? All hazy, we were both too excited to remember much, but there was Italian food. And a fireplace. And tears. And well, a red diamond. Yup. He has perfect taste, he does.




I forgot what else I was going to say. Tihiii....Got all warm and fuzzy :) But someone asked me, amidst the whirlwind that is planning a wedding. And well, being the control freak that I am and refusing to have a 'committee', which I really think is a reason for people to brand you 'bridezilla' when you refuse to appease them all :). No, really, I have much love for everyone who has wholeheartedly offered me their time and er..hehe...other things. *Wink*. Tangent! So, she asked me if I'm oh-so-excited about the wedding. Hmmm....I had to think about it, SHOCK! No, not yet with the sympathetic 'cold-feet' forwards yet. I'm excited about my, what did you expect, shoes! (He he...they almost cost more than the dress) Italian Gold and Italian designer. And I'm excited about a couple other aspects; my dress, and being with the people I adore most, and seeing him as I walk down the aisle, and hearing him say 'I do'.

But what I'm excited about more? The after-the-wedding-hullabaloo. Get out of the gutter you, not exactly THAT. Well, prolly also but not only :D
But. The waking up next to him. Every single morning.
Making him pancakes with syrup and strawberries.
Waking up to find him smiling at me even in my sleep.
The ease with which he kisses my forehead.
The way he gets me without my having to say a word.
Making him endure shopping for shoes with me. Even when it's over the 'net.
The humour, and intelligence, and laughs and 'world domination' And everything in between.
I could fill a book. Effortlessly. But you get my gist. I'm more excited about being married to him than the wedding day. Every day after. The wedding, well, that's just the wedding. And yes, pick your jaw from the floor, I'm undoubtedly the only woman who hasn't dreamt of a big ostentatious thingy with horse drawn carriages. In fact, the fewer the people the better. Now, wish me luck. I need to pull off an 80-strong guest list.

...If everything happens that can't be done....

Smiles.

And more smiles.

And still more smiles.

Yup, I’m dishing them out…bila shame. To all and sundry. In the office, in the elevator, on the street, in class. Lakini in the elevator I’ve kinda chilled. Is it the new fad to hit on chics in lifts these days? Ama it’s the new kind of speed dating? Say –your-piece-and-see-if-you-can-get-her-to-tell-you-where-she-works/give you her number/say yes to coffee-before-she-gets-to-her-floor day? So, no, no more being friendly to strangers asking me what time it is in the lift. I digress. Which leads me to another digression. Someone borrowed my copy of Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina and didn’t return it. Why, oh why do people borrow books and not return them? Borrow my clothes, my movies, music, anything…and keep it. Lakini my books, please DON’T touch. Urghhh. So now that’s me going off on tangents like Levin. LOL.


I AM smiling. Despite the fact that I’ve been so snowed under for the last 2 months or so. School (at this rate I’m becoming a career student!), Rotary (why oh why do I keep enlisting in these things. Someone please hit me over the head if I enroll myself in one more!), Investment clubs (I’m a msapere so maybe that explains this one!), chamas (yes, my girls will kill me but I’m withdrawing from ALL of them), my writing (this one is my dream come true, so, no, I’m counting my blessings here!)…and last but definitely not least, my job. Which is getting more and more challenging. Which is why I’m wondering where amidst all this I get the energy and time for a social and ….tihii…love life (Lawd, did I just say that? Love life? It sounds so...so…adult..hehe) No, I’m not complaining, but in the middle of running around like a headless chicken, he told me something’s gotta give. And yes, I agree.

But before the ‘something’ gives, I’ll smile a bit more. Heck, why not. You make me happy. Scratch that. You make me deliriously, insanely ecstatic. When you’re not driving me up the wall just because you can. More smiles. When I say something that only me, miss wisea$$ can say and you give me that look. The one that really really smart people give you when they know you’re oh-so-bluffing. When after that self satisfied smirk I wear when I’ve 10-nil’ed you you look for a reason to say ‘village maiden’ and you know for sure I’m gonna kill you. When you sing along to the whole of Craig’s Fill me in. When you say that white carnations make you think of me. When I think I have you all figured out then you throw me for another loop. When you’re just you. Awesome. Sensitive. Intuitive. Intelligent. Warm. Perceptive. Decent. You. Just you.

Are you smiling yet? I know I am.

(so here is away and so your is a my
(with a down
up
around again fly)
forever was never till now
now I am you and you are me
(and books are shutter
than books
can be)
and deep in the high that does nothing but fall
(with a shout
each
around we go all)
there's somebody calling who's we
we're everything brighter than even the sun
(we're everything
greater
than books might mean)
we're everyanything more than we believe
(with a spin leap alive
we are alive)
we're wonderful one times one
e.e.cummings, if everything happens that can't be done.

Alicia Keys Lyrics

They have a virus. It's called irresponsibility. And it's contagious.

This is a rant. An extreme rant. Proceed at your own peril.

Aaaaaand, I wasn’t going to do this post, but I heard yet another sob story yester evening that sent me hurtling over the edge. Disclaimer: I’m sorry if at the end of reading this anyone is offended, but cannot keep this inside no more :-(

This is for all Doofuses (M 2000 something) that are giving their counterparts a bad name. Nay, that’s too nice. It’s for all y’all who are a sorry ass excuse for having the honor being a living breathing specimen. And this you are if:

When your girlfriend who you have been seeing and sleeping with for 1,2,3,4,5 etc years gets pregnant and all you can say is either:
- I’m confused.
- How could you let this happen.
- Jipange (enyewe that one Gish mami was original).
- And the worst. YOU TAKE CARE OF IT!

How???

Someone, please someone explain to me how the man you love, and declares to love you can transform from the caring soul they were into a useless nini like this. By the way, I’m not talking about a CFA or FWB or FB. This is a solid (or so you thought) relationship where a lot more had been exchanged than just ‘benefits’. And where the L word was uttered, and not only in the ‘throes of passion’.

Where do you get off thinking you have the luxury of being confused? Eh? Tell me. The mami, God Bless her soul who has decided to do the honorable thing IS WITH CHILD. She cannot wish or will this child away. SHE does not have the luxury of being confused. No, I’m not saying marry her. BUT. The least you can do is go away and be confused VERY far from her. Then come back and tell her I have decided X. Y or Z. And whatever it is you have decided, stick to it. If you decide you want out, kwenda na uende kabisa. Na usirudi. Out ní nja. If you decide you will support the child, you best not dare turn up 2 months later when you’re meant to be making a downpayment for hosi and say ‘I have been thinking and I have decided you’re on your own. I asked you to flush and you decided to keep IT’ Kwanza now it has become an IT. And this you came to after you talked to your drunken friends in the bar, ati they advised you. MATHOGOS!

And mami/s, I have mad love for you, you know that. BUT. If you have to stop that man mid-action and ask him what is going to happen in case you get pregnant, do it (hell, CD’s burst. Did you ever read in bio that there is no one method of birth control that’s 100% safe?). And if he loses it (literally or figuratively) then maybe that’s even a better thing. Best contraceptive that!

Exhale, JK, exhale. You know, I needed to do that. I think I’ve been giving too many undeserving men the ‘YOU MEN!’ speech. Now, back to other non-earth shattering and inconsequential matters.

The sun is gracing us with its presence, once again. Bliss. Pure bliss. And the following things, I am bound to do, not necessarily in said order.
I shall wear short skirts.
I shall roll car window down.
I’m driving, said item of clothing shall likely hike :-)
I shall listen to fabulous music and I shall be engrossed.
And then I shall look up and find you (you who are going in opposite direction in a big fat/phat car that’s huko high up) ogling and/or leering down at said sight of flesh. Because this is prolly the most entertainment you shall get in a while I shall just wish traffic would hurry and speed off. And I shall roll up me window. BUT. If you get busted by your wife, I have no wish to be knifed, maimed or otherwise so tafadhali, can you try not to stare????? Be warned. Or if there are suddenly peeps on your lane hooting cos you nudged your friend and are both now staring so hard that you forgot you were meant to drive. Y’all, I will collect your plates and circulate. How would you like that? Is a li’l discretion too much to ask? And you wonder why chics tint their car windows *smh*

If you of the male species are feeling outraged, cos I lashed out at y’all indiscriminately, read the disclaimer :-) You know I got nothing but love for y’all.

Ps: Friends are like wildflowers. They are often found in the most unlikely places :-)

P.S.S. Tihiii. Who ARE these people?

RANDOM NOTHINGNESS

The Rules are:-
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

I know I usually don't, but I will try to follow the rules this time :-)

RANDOM NOTHINGS….BEEN TAGGED

1. I’m abso-friggin-lutely scared of being pregnant. Not even giving birth, which I hear is excruciatingly painful (or maybe those are just the voices telling me) but being. The fact that I’ll have something growing inside of me. I keep having these images, like in Invasion where the ‘things’ inside those preggers girls were glowing luminous orange and squirming. Auwiii… My skin is crawling already. Nuff sed.

2. There’s a game I play…in traffic, in hospital when I’m waiting to see a doctor, generally in places where you could be bored to death if you don’t have a good book. About people, especially couples, young ones. I make up soaps that would put La-sijui- the-poor-man’s-daughter-or-was-it-gardener to shame. Nice juicy ones. The next time you’re with me in jam and this sullen looking couple look like they want to kill each other, just ask me…hehe…. Sometimes I get so engrossed the peeps behind me think I fell asleep and have to hoot when traffic resumes crawling along…


3. Shoes. I have an obsession for shoes. And not just any shoes. If they don’t have a 3+ inch heel they ain’t doing it for me. I have shoes that I’ve never worn, and shoes that I’ve worn once. Some twice. Shoes that I shall look at in display windows until the day I will gather enough courage to walk in and buy. Yaani if I weren’t cost conscious (my career has taught me to do cost-benefit analysis each time I make a purchase) I would have Manolo’s in my closet. Yes, at $500 each. Currently, my spare bedroom is for my shoes. If I were to build my house, I would have a walk in closet for my shoes. With stairs. Bliss.

4. When people (the very few who have dared) ask me about my dad, I just give them a blank look. I have no idea what it’s meant to feel to have a male parent. My mum has been both my parents for ever. My dad, well, lets just say I don’t feel anything towards; no anger, or bitterness, only a ‘just leave me alone, why now do you want to be a part of my life now?’ feeling. Vile kwanza I don’t even know what role a father is meant to play in one’s life, so even if I let him back in, what would I do with him?????

Gosh, haki 8 randoms ni mob…..

5. When I meet someone, male or female, I give them a nil ‘trust’ score. It’s up to them to build or to remain at nil. That way, I rarely get disappointed, only pleasantly surprised.

6. I don’t make too much of an effort to be liked by people. I’m not one of those sugary sweet, nice tu-girls(hehe I can be when I want to be lakini, ah, no). But I’m steadfast, unfailingly loyal, true, decent and I’m working on the integrity bit. I prefer people to like, or not like me for who I am with the minimum amount of pretence on my or their part.


7. I’m not sure if I will get married. Among others but topping the list is the mortifying fear that I will/could be cheated on. I’ve never been cheated on, at least not that I know of. I cannot imagine what I would do if I pledged my life AND my faithfulness to someone and they stabbed me in the back. I might prolly kill them. I swurr. (Maybe it’s an ego thing??!!??)

8. I tend to get things to go my way. Some people call me spoilt, maybe I am, maybe not. But some people (and some of them bloggers) say that I’m a ‘my-way-or-no-way’ kind of person….

Now, who to tag, scratch, scratch, who to tag.... Ok, my taggees (LOL) are......
Methu
V
HnH
Shiru
Young-'ness'
Quint

....till the cops come knocking....

.....There's a time I felt I was blessed to be loved by you

But those blessings turn to regret from all the things you put me through

I remember at night you used to hold me till the sun rose the next day

Now you sleep and just turn away while my heart is on display

And I say...

Why should I cry one more night?

Why should I smile when it hurts inside?

Why does my heart say, get up and walk away

Why do I stay?
Why, why, why

There's a reason why I cry every day

There's a reason why things don't go your way

There's a reason why I kneel down in pray

There's a reason why I'm still around today

Can't you see that I'm hurtin' eternally?

I need affection and good Lord therapy

I need you know as an urgent deliveryTO GET RID OF THE PAIN INSIDE OF ME


I’m not crying. I’m not hurting :-)

I just totally dig that song, the whole album actually. If anything, in the last couple of months I’ve been more at peace than I’ve been in a very long time. AND. And most importantly, I’m happy. Happy to embark on my journey, the journey of self discovery. Cliché as that sounds, it’s never been as true as it has been the last year or so. I was talking to a friend, and I said, almost without thinking ‘I think I’ve grown up more in the last 2 years than I have in all those other years of me life’. And I realized that it was true. Now, who will toast to that with me?

The grown up me who doesn’t have to keep trying so hard to be perfect. If I were any more perfect, I’d be an automaton. Ok, I lie. I think I’m far far from the product my Maker intended me to be. But for now…for now I will rest here, on my laurels until I start feeling restless, then I will resume the rat race (or whatever journey shall suit me).

The grown up in me who doesn’t get quite so upset any more, whp just doesn’t sweat the little things (unless of course you’re an idiota and do something shtoopid on the road, I will hoot at you till kingdom come. I swurr), the one who instead of getting irritated by those li’l things takes a step back and goes skipping happily in a different direction. The one who can turn and walk away without a backward glance.

The grown up in me who understands that sometimes to keep it together you’ve just got to leave it alone. That really, if it ain’t broke, don’t go poking holes in it only cuz you want summ’n to fix. The one who, now, instead of belaboring a point, sighs, murmurs a silent f*** you and goes happily on her way. Ok, I didn’t mean that, but it DOES happen especially when peeps are being pricks, hehe… The one that, evidently, now needs to wash her mouth out.

The grown up in me who has made conscious decisions to be the person she wants to be. Without pretence. Without embellishment. Without holding back. Without fickleness. Instead with integrity, and love, and compassion, and hugs. Many hugs.

And now, it’s 5.30 and catch me dead working my butt off like I’ve been doing the last two days. Oh, that’s the grown up who knows how to read a clock. LOL. 5.30 means home time. The bells, can you hear them? 5.30 doesn’t mean time to give JK work because you think (a) – she’s bila life or (b) – she’ll be only too happy to do it, si u know she’s an obliging one or (c) – you’re just not thinking. To corrupt what HnH said, it’s just you and your LAPtop tonight. LOL.

Oh, and before I forget, Happy Happy Birthday to one amazing someone. Unajijua. Sema M.O.B. LOL. Oh, and you noticed that title was oh so misleading...hehe...

For this post, blame Heather Headley (In my mind), Koffee Brown (Mars and Venus), Maxwell (Urban Hang Suite) and Mary J. Blige (Breakthrough). I think I’ve been listening to too much Neo Soul. Fabulousness. I can hardly wait for tomorrow.

Neo Soul Thursday, anyone?

The Miseducation of JK

Someone, a moderately influential someone in my life called me naïve a few days ago. Snort! Me? Naïve? How?
This is the thing, I believe there is such a thing as emotional cheating. Evidently, I’m one of the very few people who think that. That if I’m seeing someone and we’ve made a commitment to each other….HE is the person I should be talking to about the things closer to my heart, no? But that’s just me. Another thing, I still believe that extra-marital sex is wrong. When I went for my catechism classes, we took an in-depth look at Catholic rites et al. We had a catechist who took no time to expounding on the virtues of celibacy and chastity. This was many many years ago. And even then, I believed sex was wrong and something to be ashamed of…I took it for granted that once I got married, the guilt would fall away…The jury is still out on that. Thing is, I used to wonder, still do, what’s going to happen to all everyone (the 99.99% of the population) who have sex before they’re married? Are ‘we’ all going to go to hell? Or purgatory? I’m trying hard not to lose the innocence I had, I still want to believe in the things I believed in. Is that me being naïve?
No, I think it’s my miseducation.

When is the last time you sat an exam that made you rethink everything about your career, heck, your life. I did. Two weeks ago. Talk about a humbling experience…I’m still wondering how I landed in my career (default or design?), my supposed ‘brightness’ (I am disillusioned. I think our education system is flawed. Apparently the fact that you scored in the top 10% in your academic papers doesn’t mean you’ll ace your professional ones??? LOL). A radical career change is what I need.
My miseducation.

Stuff, unfortunately, ain’t always black and white. There’s a whole lot of greys and other shades in between. Just because you care about someone enough to treat them in a certain way doesn’t mean they’ll always turn out as you expect them to. Just because you like someone doesn’t mean they’ll always be decent human beings. I still want to believe that people are inherently good, with some bad in them, and not the other way round.
My naiveté? Or my miseducation?

And on a lighter note.

Nothing beats freedom. Is that an inane statement? There’s nothing that feels as fabulous as being able to sleep in on a Saturday morning without the drat-I-have-a-class-at-8.00 guilt gnawing at me. Or dancing myself silly on Friday AND Saturday night with my totally FABulous girls and laughing ourselves out of the club at 5.30am with zilch guilt (V, Can you say MOB baby. Triple LOL). Or…reading my book in peace…or going to the video library and stocking up knowing I WILL watch all the movies. Damn! It sure feels good to be away from school, even if it’s only for one month.

Randomness depths...

.....It takes more strength to be weak than to be strong.....

.....The FABulously incredible girls in my life...the ones who can let me be weak without judging, or let me fight that weakness even when they can see I'm fronting, the ones with whom I have amazingly intimate conversations, the ones who have my back, the ones who are brave and full of life, the ones who die when we have the car-carrot cake conversation, the ones who know what I mean even when I don't say it. Those ones. They are the safe shelters, the human angels, the gold dusting.....the ones that humble me....

TOLD YA!

The above pictures will disintegrate in.....3 days....just to prove that yes, I can put pics of real (LOL) people on my page. Now, pay up, pay up. In cash, preferably $$$$.